Are We Helping Our Kids — or Making Excuses for Them?
The longer I teach in public schools, the more convinced I become that we are giving students too many opportunities to avoid doing hard things. This is not just a school problem, and it is not just a parenting problem. It is both. Somewhere along the way, helping students began to look a lot like removing expectations.
Schools used to teach more than content. They taught organization, responsibility, following directions, meeting deadlines and showing up when you were supposed to. If you got in trouble at school, there was a pretty good chance you were also going to be in trouble when you got home.
COVID did not create every problem in education, but it certainly accelerated a culture of flexibility and lowered expectations that we have struggled to reverse. Today, schools are increasingly asked to accommodate things that make students uncomfortable. A student does not want to be called on. Another does not want to give a presentation. Someone needs additional time on assignments. Another misses class repeatedly but still expects weeks of makeup time.
There are absolutely students with disabilities or medical conditions who need accommodations. Section 504 exists for an important reason, and those protections matter. 504 plan outlines accommodations that help a student access learning and participate in school on an equal basis with other students. It is different from an IEP as it does not provide learning goals in a more formal setting. In my school they are assigned by our counseling department with little to no evaulation or testing. These supports might include extended time, preferential seating, or assistive technology, depending on the student’s individual needs. But we also need to be willing to ask when an accommodation helps a student overcome an obstacle, and when it simply teaches the student to avoid the obstacle altogether. In my own classroom, I have students with accommodations that can include extended deadlines, additional testing time, alternative ways of responding, avoiding being called on publicly, leaving class early or taking breaks.
Those supports may be appropriate for individual students. But educators and parents should still be asking an important question: What are we preparing these students to eventually be able to do on their own?
If a student struggles with public speaking, should the long-term goal be that the student never speaks in front of others? If deadlines cause stress, should deadlines disappear? If answering a question in front of classmates creates anxiety, should the student never be expected to work through that discomfort? School should certainly support students while they develop those skills. But support should move them toward greater independence, not permanent avoidance. Because eventually high school ends. Employers will expect people to arrive on time. Projects will have deadlines. Meetings may require someone to speak in front of a group. Coworkers may be difficult. Customers may be unpleasant. There will be responsibilities that cannot simply be skipped because they are uncomfortable.
Attendance is part of the same problem. One of the habits we carried forward from COVID seems to be the idea that showing up is optional. It isn't. Teachers cannot effectively teach students who are rarely in the room. Students who repeatedly skip class should not learn that there will always be another extension, another makeup day and another adult ready to recreate everything they missed. Behavior matters too.
Students should not be able to curse at teachers, disrupt classrooms, wander the halls, refuse reasonable directions or create chaos without meaningful consequences. Schools should absolutely try to understand why a student is struggling and provide help where it is needed. But understanding the reason for bad behavior does not mean pretending the behavior never happened.
Consequences are not cruelty. Discipline is not abuse. Sometimes hearing the word "no" is part of growing up.Kids procrastinate. They test boundaries. They sometimes make foolish choices. They sometimes blame somebody else because that is easier than admitting they messed up. That is exactly why they need parents. As a teacher who sees the increasing numbers of students who work with these students, the most well-adjusted, successful students (no matter their intellectual level) are the ones that are not allowed to make excuses. Our job (both parents and teaches) is not to clear every obstacle from their path. Our job is to prepare them to handle those obstacles when we are no longer standing beside them.
Children need to attend school, be on time, arrive prepared, do their work, respect their teachers and accept consequences when they make poor choices. Schools should support those parents rather than continually lowering expectations because accountability has become uncomfortable. We can support students with legitimate disabilities without allowing every accommodation to become an excuse. We can take anxiety seriously without teaching students that avoidance is always the answer. I encourage every parent to hold schools to a higher standard that does not slap a 504 designation on every student that seems to struggle a bit.
It's ok to struggle, it's how we learn. It builds endurance, grit and character. Raising capable young adults sometimes requires us to expect more from them, not less. Our children may not thank us for that today. But someday, when nobody is standing behind them making excuses anymore, they will.
